If WWE Were 100% Honest With Us

It’s finally out! The Gaming Wildlife episode that I scripted!

If I’m 100% honest, myself, I’m really just looking to shamelessly promote my own work. I’m a novelist, with one book under my belt so far: THE CITY OF SMOKE & MIRRORS. It’s part of a series called The Armadillo Mysteries, starring Dilbert Pinkerton, a mutant armadillo private detective. The sequel, THE DAME WAS A TAD POLISH, is coming out this year. You can read the first chapter of DAME right here.

In the meantime, here’s the original script (and suggested photo references) for IF WWE WERE 100% HONEST WITH US. Gaming Wildlife made a few cuts, likely for time. It’s a shame because there’s some lines I wish they’d kept in, like “And yes, I made Trish Stratus bark like a dog…” Regardless, I’m very happy how this turned out. It’s even better than I expected. The actor, David Miller, knocked it out of the park.

So before we get to the script, thank you very much, Gaming Wildlife, for giving this long-time wrestling fan a chance.

If WWE Were 100% Honest With Us

Written by Nick Piers

[Note: Throughout the script, you’ll notice bolded sections in brackets. This is suggested actions/blocking for the actor. For example, Vince wants WWE to be so little associated with “wrestling” that at one point, he made the word forbidden to say on TV by his stars.]

[Suggestion to the actor: Imagine Vince is a peacock, constantly strutting and presenting himself. Almost like he’s continually posing in front of a mirror and loving what he sees. Just watch any videos with him and you’ll see what I mean.]

Hello, I’m Vince McMahon, CEO and chairman of World [curls lip in disgust at the word “wrestling”] Wrestling Entertainment. I’m also the creative force behind WWE, having final say in all storylines.

And on behalf of myself and World [curls lip] Wrestling Entertainment, I would just like to say…

WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU WANT!

(Actor reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpcO30qSNqs)

You idiots have watched my product all your lives. Dammit, some of you have watched it longer than the peasants who have worked for me! And all you do bitch and moan about every little thing. Every move, every line, every haircut, every wardrobe change. Nothing pleases you! And I should know! I’m Vincent K. McMahon! I’m the world’s most difficult man to please. Just ask my hack writing team!

All you complain about is [mock whining voice] “turn John Cena heel! Your midcard is underdeveloped! Daniel Bryan isn’t the main event! Please stop using Big Show and Kane! Stop telling us the Network is only Nine-Ninety-Nine! Be more like the Attitude Era!”

You know what? I’m with you on that last one. We had fun back then, didn’t we? We could swear! We could bleed! We had bra and panty matches! Dammit, the genetic jackhammer loved watching my workers strip on television! Especially Pat Patterson and Gerry Brisco [Picture Pops Up], who were in their sixties and wore tightie whities! [hands proudly on hips] Oh, I loved embarrassing them. [sighs, happily, starring at the picture cited below (#10)]

[Pictures pop up of each bolded item. There are some picture citation links at the end of this document.]

Where was I? Oh yes! We pushed all the envelopes back then! All the women had boob jobs! We had pimps [The Godfather], porn stars [Val Venis], cult leaders [The Undertaker]! Suicide angles [Road Warrior Hawk]! Vehicular homicide! A live sex celebration [Edge & Lita]! And my personal favourite: a necrophilia story!

[Record scratch sound effect.]

[Actor breaks character. Feel free to tweak this to suit yourself.]

Hold on, what? Necrophilia? Heh, no no, that can’t be righ –

[Someone off-screen holds up an iPad or something to show the video]

Oh – oh my sweet Bertha Faye…

[Note: If you do change anything, please keep this one line. Hardcore wrestling fans like myself will find it hilarious. Well, I’LL find it hilarious.]

[Actor proceeds to get sick.]

[Scene cut and segues back to in-character as Vince.]

But pushing the envelope cost us money! Advertisers left us in swarms. The audience, tired of having their [air quotes] “intelligence insulted,” stopped watching. And Vince McMahon doesn’t lose money, dammit! So yes, we went PG in order to stop losing money. [quieter tone, with a guilty, shameful expression] And…to make the company look better for my wife’s political campaign.

[Returns to regular tone.] But now, we don’t even bother with a consistently exciting product with a well-developed mid-card. Now, we only pay attention to anything related to the world title. Who cares if the Intercontinental champion loses two thirds of their matches? Who cares if we’re not trying to create new superstars that the fans want. Today’s audience doesn’t care about that! Now, there’s a whole new generation of idiot kids that’ll buy anything with John Cena’s face on it!

Remember when you did that for Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin?

No? Well fuck you, you free-loading, illegal streaming fanboy! Go hug your Zack Ryder merchandise. Oh, that’s right. WE STOPPED MAKING IT BECAUSE HE GOT POPULAR ON HIS OWN! How dare he get himself over even though we’ve always told our talent that if they want to get over, they need to do it themselves! [Short pause, like someone’s talking to him.] No, that’s not hypocritical! Hypocritical is promoting an anti-bullying campaign while bullying my talent to continue working while injured because otherwise, I won’t make money off of them! Ha!

[Tries to calm down.]

Now look: yes, I may be so culturally out of the loop that I’d never heard of Pirates of the Caribbean when I ended a growingly popular pirate gimmick. Yes, the writing team wants me to stop changing everything on a whim mere hours before the show starts. Yes, I made Trish Stratus strip and bark like a dog. And yes, everyone is just waiting for me to retire or die so my son-in-law can take over.

But you know what?

I’M VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON, DAMMIT! I created all of this! [Sheepishly] Well…I bought it from my father. But I still created WrestleMania! And the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club! And the Royal Rumble! [pause] Actually, I think that was originally Pat Patterson’s idea.

But I still owe all my success to my own brilliance!

[Picture of each person mentioned pops up as they’re mentioned.]

…and Hulk Hogan.

…and Steve Austin.

…and The Rock.

…and screwing over or buying every other wrestling company. [Picture: Eric Bischoff)

… really, I stole most of those envelope-pushing ideas from Paul Heyman. [Picture]

But all my own ideas made me millions!

[He winces as he lists these off, as if each one hurts his soul a little more.]

…except the World Bodybuilding Federation.

…and the XFL.

…and screwing over Canada by giving them a poor version of the WWE Network. [Screen Caption: “Can you tell this was written by a bitter Canadian?”)]

…and giving away millions of dollars in a televised contest that led to my fake death, timed horribly coincidentally with [BLEEP!]

…and suggesting a storyline involving my pregnant daughter, writing myself as the baby’s father.

[Record scratch]

[Actor breaks character again]

Okay! Now you’re just making this shit u – [Handed an iPod or phone again] Why would ANYONE think that’s a goo –

[Scene cut and segue back in character again.]

Really, you keyboard warriors will keep watching because sometimes, we’ll throw you a bone like CM Punk’s pipebomb! Giving Daniel Bryan a token push! Filling a low-budget one-hour show with indie geeks! Or letting Dolph Ziggler win a match every six months! You morons keep your hopes up we’ll do something right, that we can put on any boring crap on our seven plus hours of weekly programming and you’ll keep watching it! Thinking of turning us off? Here’s a fat indie geek! [Picture of Kevin Owens] [Holds his hand up, lowers his voice, like he’s telling a secret.] Don’t worry, we’ll disappoint you with him. Just you wait, pal! He’ll be in dancing contests with Hornswoggle in no time!

Because no matter what we do, you’ll keep crawling back. Complain all you want about who we promote or don’t promote.

Are any of them John Cena, keeping my company afloat through merchandise alone? No? FUCK THEM.

[Segue to WWE logo.]

WWE!

Because what else will you watch? TNA?

[Big, bellyful of laughter.]

[Credits.]

After the Credits Scene

What? Video games? Are those still around?

[Confused pause]

Do they still have Pac-Man?

Picture Citations to Use in the Video: